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Saturday, March 15, 2014

"You no longer have a secret, you have a story."

I have to admit, I was absolutely terrified to share the part of my story that I did last Monday.  I was scared of how people would react - what they would say, how they would feel, and more than anything, whether or not it would forever change the way the people in my life look at me.

Aside from the messages I have received, and the comments posted on Facebook, I really don't know what people are thinking about my experience, or even just the fact that I felt that sharing my story was something I chose to do.  Days later, I still worry about it a little bit.. but one thing I have realized, is that it doesn't matter.

What does matter, is the fact that I made the decision to stop keeping my struggles a secret.  Because the thing is, everyone has their own set of struggles and personal problems.. and I felt like by pretending everything in my life was fine, I was only encouraging my problems to eat me alive.  It's like keeping everything a secret was only encouraging that secret to grow into something bigger, something much more toxic.

After opening up and sharing what I've been going through, nothing has changed.  I'm still the same person, I'm still dealing with bipolar disorder, still trying to recovery from a decade-long battle with self-harm, and still fighting like hell to get better.

The one thing that has changed is the fact that I'm not hiding it anymore.  And that, on its own, is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  It's one less thing weighing me down.  And to be honest, I feel as though that is making a very big difference in my journey to recovery.

Not only that, but after deciding to share my story, I have had a lot of people contact me... some with words of encouragement, some sharing parts of their own story, and some just to say that they care.  To everyone who has taken the time to do this, I cannot thank you enough.  Your words have given me, and continue to give me, motivation to stay strong.  You are all a huge source of inspiration, and I love each and every one of you.

Over the past couple weeks, I feel like things have finally started to make a shift in a more positive direction.  This is very much a daily battle, but I am so thankful that it is a battle that I still have the opportunity to fight.  If things had gone differently a couple weeks ago, that may not have been the case.  I am grateful for the fact that I'm still here, writing this, and working my ass off to get better.  I'm still constantly reminding myself that recovery is possible, and it is worth it (and yes, I seriously just put a sticky note on my mirror that says that).

I have very strong faith that I can handle this.  There are going to be good days, and there will be bad days, but I keep reminding myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I will get through it.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Skyscraper.

Cannot believe I will be seeing Demi in Toronto in... 14 DAYS.


Monday, March 10, 2014

"Never getting help doesn't make you brave."

I cannot believe I'm writing this, but I believe the stigma surrounding mental illness is there because we don't talk about it.

I know, personally, that stigma has had a huge impact on my life.  I've suffered (mostly) in silence out of fear.. feat that no one will care, fear of what people will think, fear of losing people.  Fear of not being taken seriously if people find out what is really going on with me.

But here's the thing.  I've pushed people away, I've lied, I've done almost everything that I can to avoid the real problems in my life.  I've spent years trying to just "fix" everything with band-aid solutions.

Basically, I've been a wreck for a very long time, and by not being honest with those around me, I have managed to isolate myself from everyone who could have helped me much sooner.

Ten days ago, I felt more alone than I ever have before in my life.  I was hurting more than words can say, and felt like I was stuck so far down in my own personal hell that nothing could ever save me.
But, thank God, something in that moment made me pick up the phone and choose life over death.

I got to the hospital.  To the person who got me there, thank you.

So that's where I've been...getting help.  Working to get my mental health back on track.  I know I have a very long way to go, and that for a long time, this will continue to be a daily battle that I will have to face.  Bipolar II isn't something that goes away.

While I can't deny the difficulty of all this, I am very grateful for the fact that I am still alive.  I was literally seconds away from choosing the alternative less than two weeks ago.  The thought that if I hadn't picked up the phone, I would not be here typing this right now, is an absolutely terrifying thought.
I never want to feel that way again.

Recovery is hard, and there are going to be a lot of bumps along the way (as I've already experienced), but it is possible, and it is worth it.  Even though I'm nowhere near where I want to be yet, I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it... that it IS worth it.

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help.  As I've learned, by isolating yourself in hopes of making everybody else more comfortable, you are only making things more difficult for yourself.  Usually, asking for help is the best possible thing you can do for yourself.  I know it's the most worthwhile decision I have made in my life so far.

And to anyone else out there who is struggling.. please know that you're not alone.  You're never alone.