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Friday, January 31, 2014

"You can't live your life waiting for someone to fix you."

It's true.  It's been an extremely difficult lesson, but really.. as difficult as recovery is sometimes, as difficult as it is on those days where I really, really am struggling.. I'm the only person who can pick myself up when I've fallen down.

I'm slowly learning that there is a HUGE difference between being independent and being alone.  Dealing with a shitty day on my own, without relying on others to attempt to pull me out of it.. like actually fighting my own way through those days where I feel like I can't hang on another minute, is not the same as being alone.

Being along is just that... being alone.

Being independent... ultimately I'm learning to take responsibility for my own mental health.  If I have an off day, I have an off day.  But that isn't an excuse to grab the closest blade and press it into my own skin.  On those days, there are a million things I can do.  A million things that won't cause more damage, a million things that can hopefully ease the pain I'm feeling emotionally... I can go to the gym, go for a run, write, curl up in my nest with hot chocolate and a good book, the list goes on.  And if all that fails... I can still ask for help.

Another thing I've learned - asking for help does not equal giving up that responsibility for my own health.  And the thought of that, now that I'm actively working on my recovery, actually seems like kind of a ridiculous concept.. asking someone to be there with me as I go through a difficult or painful situation, doesn't make that person responsible for my well being.  That's still in my hands.. as it always needs to be.

To be honest, I think that's maybe part of what made my most recent hospitalization so unbearable.. so painful.  The fact that it felt like my independence.. my ability to make my own decisions in regards to my own life.. it felt like all that was being stripped away from me.  That and the fact that when you're alone in a room with nothing to do all day but read, write, and think... let's just say shit gets real.  I felt every single emotion, and it was fucking raw.  I've never felt so vulnerable with just myself.

And it felt like I wasn't being listened to... like because I was there, it was generally assumed that I wasn't fit to make my own decisions.  Which, quite frankly, was fucking ridiculous.  I made the decision to go there on my own because I knew that it was the best thing for me in that moment.. that if I continued to try and tough it out at home I could end up seriously harming myself.  I was definitely not my normal self, but the fact that I made the decision to get help without being dragged there kicking and screaming, really shows that I was capable of making the right choices for myself.  It wasn't recognized that way there... it was like all that was irrelevant and all that mattered was that I had this label stuck on me... bipolar.

Yeah, it's an illness.  But it doesn't mean I'm not human.  I absolutely hate the stigma that comes with mental illness.  It's like... if I were diabetic, I'd still be treated as a human.  I'd be treated the same as any other person.

But with mental illness, there's this thought that just because something's a little off with me emotionally, I'm not the same as anyone else.

Here's the thing.  I'm flawed.  Yes.  But so is every other person on this planet... we all have our own scars, battle wounds, wars to fight.  Personally I think that these flaws are what make us beautiful.  The fact that a person can face whatever it is they have to face and still be standing at the end of the day.  The fact that everyone has their own battles, but really, we're all the same.

Just because I've been diagnosed with mental illness.. it doesn't make me any different from anyone else.  Nor does the fact that I've spent the past decade fighting a self-harm addiction.  That's just the battle I'm fighting.  And guess what, I'm still standing.  I'm still alive.  I'm still human.

So I guess what I'm saying is, to those people who are so judgmental when it comes to mental illness (or even judgmental when it comes to people who are willing to speak openly about the battles they face - you probably know who you are)... I don't owe you anything.  And I certainly don't have to keep my mouth shut for your sake.  Stigma exists because people aren't willing to talk.

This entry definitely did not turn out even close to how I thought it would... End of rant.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Mirrors

Oh my god.  So I'm kind of obsessed with Mirrors by Justin Timberlake.. and I'm also kind of really in love with this cover.  Excited as I am to see Fifth Harmony (AND DEMI!!!!) in March, I soo wish they did more stuff like this..


Religious people are afraid of going to hell, but spiritual people are the ones who have been to hell and don't want to go back.

"Walking around on eggshells trying not to offend people is a waste of time.  It's easy to get caught up in trying to please others that it takes away from being ourselves.  You aren't going to be perfect or loved by everyone.  It's so much  more gratifying and purposeful to just live your life and learn from your mistakes so that you don't have to go through them again."
      - Demi Lovato, Staying Strong:  365 Days A Year

This really got to me today, I think because I can relate so strongly.. sort of.  I feel like with certain people, I am constantly walking around on eggshells to an extent that pretty much drives me insane.  Around these types of people, I get so wrapped up in trying to be exactly what they want, that I completely forget about my own needs.  When I stop to think about it, I realize that I've thrown away all these significant parts of myself just to try and please someone who can't be bothered to take the time to even realize it.  I tend to lose sight of not only who I am as a person, but who I want to become, in those relationships. 

I don't want to be that person who is constantly trying to achieve perfection and be loved by everyone.. but I also fear that that person is exactly who I am at times.

I'm trying to realize that perfection is literally not possible.  And not everyone is going to love me or appreciate the person that I am.  And more than that, I'm trying to realize that that's okay.  Much easier said than done.

As for learning from mistakes, well, to be honest I feel like I've spent years repeating the same mistakes.. over and over and over, to such a point that it's just exhausting to think about how much time and energy I've wasted on the same bad habits.  But hey, most bad habits can't be broken easily. 

I've made a lot more really huge mistakes than I'm willing to write about tonight.

Honestly, though, I think I'm learning.. or at least possibly starting to.  The same cycles that I've been going through for years, I'm now able to recognize.  I know now that when I sink into an episode of depression, it isn't going to last forever.  I've honestly been trying to think about it in a less negative sense lately.. I mean, I can tell myself that "it always comes back to this and therefore there's no point in continuing my life", or I can tell myself that the fact that my depression comes back does mean that it always goes away.

Episodes of depression (like the one I'm dealing with right now), despite happening over and over, I know that they do always end eventually.  They don't last forever.  And knowing that these feelings aren't going to last forever, even though that knowledge on its own won't make the depression go away, it does give me a little bit of hope.  I think, maybe, that tiny bit of hope is making me feel a little bit stronger this time. 

I read another quote tonight.. "Change your thoughts, change your life."  I've heard it about a million times before, but I think it's actually starting to make sense to me.  I think changing the way I think about my life, and all its ups and downs, really does have the power to change my life.  Again, easier said than done.  I know. 

But.. as I've realized with these episodes of depression.  That one little change in my thinking about it, although very small, has the power to give me that little bit of hope that I so badly needed to get me through it.  Knowing that my survival rate for these episodes is 100% is a pretty damn good reminder that I'm going to get through this one just like I have all the others.  And if there are more in the future, I know I'll survive those too.

This is all a process, and lately I've been reminding myself of that about a million times.  There are going to be good days and bad days.. sometimes even good weeks or months and then bad weeks or months.  Mental illness or not, those ups and downs are all part of life.

And part of this process of recovery, for me, really does mean a huge learning process.. (finally I might actually get back on topic here).  I need to learn that I just can't please everyone.  I can't.  It's that simple.  There are specific people in my life who I have literally driven myself insane trying to please, and I just can't continue doing that if I want to stay on this journey to recovery.  I need to focus on living my life, the way I need to live it.  I need to focus on keeping myself healthy, and focus on my own needs.. that's the only way I'm going to recover from this roller coaster I've been trapped on for the past decade.

Because yes, I've been to hell.  No, I don't want to go back.




Tuesday, January 28, 2014

No other way to say this...

Recovery fucking sucks sometimes.  There are some days that are just so difficult, like you feel like you're crawling out of your skin just trying to remind yourself to breathe.

There are days where you don't want to get out of bed.  Where even the thought of getting up and getting dressed just feels like too much.

There are days where it hurts to breathe, hurts to think, hurts to try and think of anything else other than that horrid fucking monster you're trying to escape from.

There are moments where you don't know how to just get through the day without falling apart.

But.. it's okay to feel these things, because recovery or not, feeling these things reminds me that I'm human.  I'm not a machine with no emotions.  Sometimes being human means feeling these raw emotions, no matter how impossible they make things feel.  Sometimes, it's okay to just let yourself feel these things, even if it means constantly reminding yourself that these feelings will not kill you, and at the end of the day, you'll still be standing, in one piece, still living, breathing, existing.

That's where I'm at right now.  Reminding myself that what I'm feeling, it's not going to kill me.  Being knocked down (by anything) doesn't always have to be such a bad thing.. because maybe, when I stand back up, I'll do it a little faster and a little straighter than the last time.

For tonight though, recovery means knowing when it's time to stop fighting with myself.. and knowing when to just curl up in my nest with hot chocolate and a good book.  I'm thinking that time is now.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Midnight Thoughts

The past week of my life has been really overwhelming, but has also given me a lot of time to think over a lot of parts of my life.  And about my recovery.

Something I used to think ALL.  THE.  TIME., and something I hear quite frequently from other people going through issues similar to mine is that, "I don't know how to recover".  

And I think, sitting here, half asleep at almost midnight on a Tuesday night, it's finally sunk in.

I don't think anybody knows how to recover.  I think recovery is something you just... do.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  Sometimes even a millisecond at a time.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Crash My Party..

Okay, seriously, I am obsessed with this song, and have been for months..