Today has been slightly less of a struggle.

I'm really noticing that I tend to struggle most at night (especially later in the night), so I'm going to try and get a more regular sleep pattern started.  Hopefully that will help at least a little.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not as strong as I tell myself I am. 

I'm really struggling tonight, to be totally honest.  I don't even know why; it's not like anything bad has happened.  Not much has happened at all. 

And yet, somehow, I'm sitting here, alone, and that voice in the back of my head is telling me that it would be okay if I cut, just once.  That nobody would have to know.  It's the most twisted messed up type of thinking....it's like a game my brain plays with itself.  Like a war to see which will outweight the other; my growth in the past year and the knowledge that I can do better for myself, or the addiction.

I feel like I've put on a brave face for a lot of the people around me.  I want my driver's license, so I pretend everything is fine when I go to the psychiatrist.  I don't want friends to worry, so again, I pretend I'm fine.

But it feels like a part of me is broken.

I've been fighting this for so long, and I'm exhausted.  I just want to get better, I want to stop feeling like every day is a battle.  I want to be okay. 
I want the pain to stop.

But I can get through this.  I'll keep telling myself I'll be okay, and eventually, things will be good again.  I'm strong; I'm a fighter.  So I will fight like hell to get healthy.  It just might be the biggest fight of my life.

"You're beautiful; you're worth more than harming yourself."
            - Demi Lovato

I know I've been saying how much things have been improving, but I think it's just been recently that I've started to honestly believe I'm worth more than what I had spent so long doing to myself.  Hard to believe it's takent this long; but I guess it's all just part of the healing process.

"You are the best thing that's ever been mine."
         
            - Taylor Swift

"I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my ever after."

          - Marianas Trench

:)

Things have been pretty busy lately.  Mostly with school - just continuing to work on getting caught up on everything, as well as taking a stats course that while I understand what I'm learning, it's turning out to be pretty time consuming.

I also got a kitten two and a half weeks ago!  His name is Dallas and he'll be ten weeks old this weekend.  He's the cutest little thing...he loves to cuddle, but there are also times when he has ridiculous amounts of energy and will literally just run in circles around the living room. 
Him and Tonka (my puggle) are getting along great, too.  They're actually cuddling on the couch right now, curled up next to each other...both fast asleep.

This afternoon I went rollerblading for the first time in years, and I lived!  I went about 40 minutes, and loved it.  It was a great break from doing my stats homework.  :)