Pictures...finally.

I'm so sorry that this took forever, but finally...pictures of my wrist tattoos.  I wrote a blog entry on these about six months ago after I got them.  So much meaning behind the ink.

Slightly unfortunate news.

Just as I was starting to get back into the pattern of blogging, my computer needs to be sent in for some repairs. I will post as soon as I get it back!

xoxo

Struggling.

Lately, I have struggled. I have been fighting myself constantly not to hurt myself, but the healing process can often be pretty rough.
Somehow, I've managed to not give in to my addiction (self-harming). I constantly have to remind myself of the story behind my tattoos. I constantly have to remind myself that I don't ever want to go there again.

I think I understand a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm 21, stuck at "home" with the parents for the summer, and still can't drive. I miss London, I want to go back to the place I really consider home now. Here doesn't feel like home, even though I spent the first 19 years of my life here. It feels like I'm just taking up space at this point.
I miss freedom, I miss independence, I miss being able to do what I want when I want. I miss privacy.
In two months, I will be back in London.

Though honestly, the thought of going back there scares me....I need to do well in school this year if I really want the future I'm trying to plan for myself. And after two years of pretty much hell, being able to function like a "normal person" sounds like heaven. That's all I really want right now. I'm worried about what the stress will do to me...but at the same time, I want that BA Honours Specialization in Psychology like...nothing else. It has to happen.

I think I should spend more time focusing on that...on the positives. The good things I want to do with my life. Try to let go of some of the negatives that keep making me doubt myself. It's hard.

I know this is basically a long rambling rant with no real purpose now. It's been a long week.

Story behind the ink.

Two weeks ago, I got two more tattoos, one across each wrist. Somehow, it's taken me this long to figure out how to explain the story behind them...and I still really have no idea how to start. But here goes...

No lies, just love.

I spent six years of my life hurting myself... cutting, burning, and for a very short time, drinking. I spent six years lying to myself, leading myself to believe that these bad habits would make things easier for me. It never did. It only made things significantly harder and more complicated.

I also spent six years hating myself entirely, mostly as a result of the self-harming.

And now, finally, I want to change. I want to be better. I need to keep healing.
I have to stop lying to myself, and start loving myself.
Hence the first half of the meaning behind the ink.

As for the other half, it's the Bright Eyes song, "No Lies, Just Love."
In the song, the guy is mainly talking about suicide in the beginning. Wanting to end everything, even being embarrassed by the honesty of a flower that is visibly withered up and dying. ...because it's hard to be that honest about feeling that bad. He just wants "to be remembered as a smiling face, not this f*cking wreck that's taken its place."

And honestly, after three attempts in one month, I can definitely relate.

But then spring comes, and things look brighter...there are good things in life that make it worth living. He realizes that death isn't what he wants.

And I've been there too...recently.
After my third attempt, something about me changed.
I want to live, and I want to live with honesty and love.

This felt like the perfect thing to get tattooed onto my body. It has so much meaning, and I never want to forget any of it.

I'll post pictures asap. :)

It hurts to say, but...

If I could say one thing to my addiction to self-harm right now, if I could say one thing to "the blade," it would be something like this...

I wrote you a letter, and it took almost forever to do. It took a long time to simply write the words "dear addiction" at the top of the page, even longer to write the words that came after; the words that have been eating at my soul for the past six years.

You were there for me when I needed you, and to be honest, there are days when I still feel that I need you. The logical part of my brain asks me constantly, "Why on Earth did you start this in the first place?" At the same time, however, I know that I need to see this for what it is ... an addiction.

I am addicted to you, self-harm. There. I said it. It has taken me several years, but I have finally admitted to myself that you control me. You have controlled me for a long time.
Admitting it is always step one, right?

So maybe I can get past step one. Maybe there is a lot more I can do for myself that isn't just telling myself that I'm "not normal," because let's be honest here - normal is just an ideal we have in our heads, one that doesn't exist in reality (and if it does exist, it's really rare ... which I guess makes it not so normal).
The truth is, self-harm, you may have hindered so many aspects of my life, but at the same time, you can't hold me down forever. And you haven't destroyed everything. You can't.
Because frankly, you are not strong enough to ruin me.
And I, on the other hand, am stronger than I give myself credit for.

So, addiction, I can win this fight. Even if my "step one" has taken me over six years, I know that eventually I can (and you better believe I will) beat you.
Every day is one day closer to a life without you.
Each decision, each moment, each painful experience ... it's all a process.
It's all for recovery from you.

I'm ready.

I'm ready...
...to change.
...to finally be different.
...to let myself breathe.
...to feel more hopeful.
...to realize that there is no way in hell I deserve to hurt the way I hurt myself.
...to start over.

And most of all, I am ready to kick self-harm in the ass and get it out of my life.
It's time to change, and I know it will be the hardest fight of my life.
But I'm ready.

I should have been ready for this moment seven years ago, but it doesn't matter now ... I'm ready.